Don't lose yourself

When people watch the movie, they are usually amazed at Andy Dufresne's courage to turn a classic music from the guard's office and keep the guards from coming in, or his intelligence that eventually made him an owner of a big library and a respected financial adviser. How is that possible? How could a person, locked in a confined environment full of violence, loneliness, and fear, stay so calm and happy? I think Shawshank was different because he had succeeded in keeping his identity.

A prison is the most unlikely place that an identity of a person could be maintained. Every prisoner lives in an identical cell and follows an identical schedule. They are no longer called by their names; they are assigned numbers. Of course, humans want to feel different and special all the time, and thus the prisoners in the movie try to establish their identity within the place. Sometimes a prisoner may try to win over others, like the one who tried to rape Andy. Sometimes a prisoner tries to make a friend, just like the one who had a pet bird. Sometimes a prisoner can't bear the struggle to establish a new one, and instead shouts a desperate cry, "I don't belong here!"

Most of the struggles fail, as the prisoners just can't distinguish one from others who wear the same, eat the same, and live the same. But Andy Dufresne remains so special - he is always special and he always inspires others. How was this possible? Just because he was exceptionally intelligent or bold? Those qualities would have contributed to Andy's difference, but the underlying is premise is that Andy succeeded in establishing a strong identity of his own: the only prisoner who is actually trying to escape the cell.

I don't think Andy would have lost his unique qualities if the process of digging a hole took much more: it is the process itself that made Andy special. The feeling that he is doing things that others would never think of. The feeling that he is not living his life in vain, but rather digging and digging every day for freedom. These are why Andy was able to spare his sleep and dig a hole every night for several years.

I also faced an identity crisis when I came to KMLA. It was not much of an identical life pattern that made me suffer. On the contrary, it was overwhelming freedom to choose that confined me. I didn't know what to do, and I felt like I was a silent, invisible being. What helped me go through that confusion was a simple act of throwing baseballs, just like Andy's repetitive digging. Though playing baseball didn't raise my GPAs or made me confident, at least it made my life feel special, and I could live with it. Having a unique identity was more important than I thought.